It's fun to share pictures, and look at what other people are doing, but it's also got me thinking about how picture-obsessed our culture has become. So much of what's on instagram is staged--it's not 'real life' per se. The clutter is removed, flowers are added, and lighting is adjusted. The other day I saw someone comment on Facebook that they were taking a 2-month trip and would 'go anywhere as long as they could get good pictures.' I thought, Really?? It's not about an amazing experience, good food, new friends, great memories? You just want good pictures to show off? I'm sure that's not exactly what the person meant, but thoughts of pride and materialism have been occupying my mind lately.
One summer in college (not all that long ago) I took a 3 month trip to South America. I had a basic camera, and took a decent number of pictures. But there were no selfies, no photo-editing and I never thought once about who would be seeing the pictures besides myself. I just took pictures of what I wanted to remember, and what I thought was beautiful. There was no public forum to give a play by play of how awesome my trip was. Now it feels like our audience, and their reaction, motivates what we take pictures of. I'm afraid of what we'll be like 10 years down the road. Will we be doing things just to take a picture to show the rest of the world how great our lives are?
All that to say, I'm not quitting instagram, but I do want to strive for authenticity.
I also noticed that I tend to write on my blog only about things that have accompanying pictures. On one hand, taking pictures helps me remember what happens, but on the other hand, there are a lot of thoughts and experiences I have without any associated pictures, and I want to try harder to record them as well.
So this post intentionally has no pictures. I hope it won't be the last.
A few thoughts I've been having recently:
- When I was driving home from post yesterday I realized I will probably never again live in such a charming, colorful, quaint town. I love having purple, orange, and green buildings lined up in a row, with the town church in the background. I love that the whole town is walk-able. There are always old people out and about, riding their bikes, walking to the grocery store, or weeding their gardens. And while I don't speak German, and consequently haven't met a lot of the Germans in my town, I recognize a lot of them and see them interacting like they've probably known each other their whole lives. My neighbor Hans lives alone, and he's been MIA since last November. Last week he suddenly reappeared,and over the course of an hour I saw dozens of cars and pedestrians stop just to talk to him. It's a friendly town. I really think I'll miss living here, despite the rural factor. America just doesn't do 'cute' quite like Bavaria.
- I had my 6-week follow-up at the doctor. I was proud to survive the trip to Amberg with all three kids in tow. It wouldn't have been possible were it not for my super-double-stroller-plus-glider-board. Even though Tiago fell off once and hit his head on the concrete (which led to me carrying him in my arms) we made it, and everyone behaved, and I got the birth control prescription I need because I don't want to add a fourth any time soon. As I was talking with my doctor, I was feeling a little nostalgic. I can't believe I've had all my kids at the same hospital, and had the same doctor the entire time. She told me I should move back when I'm ready to have more kids. (Not happening! ha). It will be very strange to experience pregnancy and child birth back in the States. I've heard people make comments about ultrasound technicians, and that's completely foreign to me. My doctor is the one who always does the ultrasounds (and she's awesome at it!) and they happened at every appointment. On the other hand, it wasn't uncommon here to see a random doctor when I showed up for an appointment, and at my 6-week appt. my doctor asked me who it was that delivered my babies, I couldn't even tell her. "Uh... he had dark hair... I only saw him for about five minutes..."
- Some days I feel like I've got this mothering thing down. I can sometimes hold both babies and Tiago simultaneously while we watch a TV show and everyone is quiet and content. And then last week there was a very stressful day with a lot of crying, and I woke up the next morning with hives, and a vomiting child. And my kitchen turned into an epic disaster. But then three days later, I cleaned and felt like I was mother-of-the year again. A lot of the time I really do enjoy having three little ones running around, and feel like there's a bit of a rhythm to life. We get to go to the park and eat goldfish and relax at home. And then there are the times when I just feel post-partum-fat and trapped in my messy house with screaming kids, and I'm glad I can remember that sometimes I like this, and tomorrow will be better.
- I've been reading President Eyring's biography, and I love it! Some day I might write more in detail about it, but it's insightful and I've learned a lot about how to work in councils, accepting even seeking criticism, striving to develop certain habits instead of just accepting the way we are, becoming humble while seeking knowledge, and achieving a balance in life. It's incredible to think of the caliber of men that lead the Church, and how smart and successful, yet humble, they are. I might need to read it a second and third time for that to really sink in with me...
Enough for now. I realize I'm writing this more for me than anything, but since I don't keep a real journal, it will have to do.
I liked your mothering thoughts. There are probably more of the too-fat, too-messy, too-busy days in mothering, but those other days where we feel like we've got it all together keep us going. It's good to recognize that both are normal and also will come and go until your kids are all gone and you'll look back and wonder how you ever did it. That's where I'm at.
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