I give up on writing here with any regularity. But I wanted to record some little changes we've made as a result of some of my reading lately. I've read Coddling of the American Mind, Free-range Parenting, and the Gift of Failure. All of them encourage kids to have a level of autonomy, and do for themselves all the things they're able to do for themselves. I am certainly guilty of just doing things myself because it's easier. When it comes to milestones, I generally take a lazy approach of figuring they'll do something eventually on their own.
But the books got me thinking about what things I could proactively have my kids do to feel independent, and to learn about risk taking and reward. My kids are fortunate to be able to play outside with neighbors without my supervision. When we first moved here (they were ages 3 and 4) we let them play outside, but either supervised from our front porch or checked on them every 20 minutes. We've reached a point where they need to tell us where they'll be, but they can play in their friends' front or back yards and occasionally inside.
Back to the new skills. Tiago and I brainstormed things he could do on his own. I suggested ordering food at a restaurant for himself, and he was adamantly against it. But I told him that I'd give each of the kids money and let them order ice cream at Braums whenever they felt ready. We practiced several times. He memorized "frozen yogurt" and "swirl". Mila and Siena were less resistant, but also super motivated by the idea of getting free ice cream. During practice, Tiago always ordered a large ice cream. So the day we finally went to Braums they each went up to the counter and gave their order. Then paid. The employee was great, and really encouraged them. They had some trouble shuffling the change while holding their ice cream, but walked away thinking it wasn't so hard. And Tiago really did order a large.
We did the exercise a second time, and Mila jumped on board with ordering large, too. One of them didn't speak loud enough, and ended up getting the wrong size. But that's exactly the point of the book about failure-- by experience kids learn. If they don't get what they want, they'll speak louder next time. If we, as parents, always step in and do it for them so it's "correct" they'll miss the learning. And miss the confidence that comes with it.
A second thing I knew I could hand over to them was walking home from school without me. We have literally walked the same 0.2 miles to the school hundreds of times over the last 3 years. Talk about muscle memory. If there was ever a situation they could handle on their own, it's this. Again, Tiago was resistant. (I definitely see a pattern with him!) Mila and Siena were on board. Maybe in part because they always know Tiago will be there with him? Anyway, I messaged their teachers, letting them know the kids could be released when the bell rang. They thought it was a great idea. On day one, they walked across the cross-walk and met me. The next day I met them a little further away. And at that point they said they definitely didn't need my help and I should just stay home. haha. That didn't take long! It seems so obvious. And yet... I see kids in 3rd and 4th grade getting walked home. And it makes me wonder why we as parents do this?? Because we find it enjoyable? Because we feel like it's our job? Because we really worry for our kids' safety? I'm glad we finally took the leap.
The last thing we've started is teaching Tiago to cook a little. He showed interest, and always likes helping in the kitchen. A few months ago we started with fried eggs, one of his favorites. On his first try, he burned his hand on the pan because he tried to push it over and didn't realize how hot it was. But again-- lesson learned through failure. He took a few weeks break because he was annoyed about the burn. But he got back at it. And now he definitely knows better and hasn't made that mistake again. He wrote down all the instructions while I taught him (pictures included.) And he is so proud of himself when he realizes he can meet his own need.
So now I need to be asking myself, "What next?" Tasks like laundry should definitely be high on the list, but I still have an element of control I need to relinquish. I like certain things done my way.
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